Secret Sex: What Genealogy Really Reveals

The Discovery

In 2018, a cousin and I uncovered through DNA testing that our 3x great-grandfather was not the biological father of his three sons. Each boy had a different father. The evidence was clear, but the reaction from one distant cousin was anything but.

I received a terse email accusing me of “wrecking the family name” by exposing sex outside of marriage. Apparently, my 3x great-grandmother’s actions—157 years ago—were still considered compromising to someone’s dignity today.

The Nature of Genealogy

This response left me puzzled. Why would anyone be distressed about a brief encounter between two adults long dead? Genealogy, by its very nature, is about sex. We track who had children with whom, when and where. When one parent is unknown, we leave blanks. But we rarely talk about what those blanks mean.

We don’t usually describe it as sex—especially not when it was illicit, or between people who weren’t married. It’s like colouring outside the lines: we see it, it looks messy, and we pretend it didn’t happen.

Phillis Godfrey and her 3 sons

Olive’s Hidden Marriage

My grandmother Olive married in 1908. By 1912, she was living in a different city with a different man, having babies. She had three illegitimate children before her first husband died, freeing her to marry again. It was a surprise to discover, long after her death, that she had actually been Mrs Carne before she was Mrs Kinzett. Nobody ever talked about it.

Sam’s Wartime Affair

Olive’s younger brother Sam was a handsome young man who married in 1913. In 1918, while serving in England, he impregnated a British nurse. She later gave birth to an illegitimate son named Jimmy. Meanwhile, Sam’s wife kept the home fires burning in New Zealand. The nurse later formed lifelong friendships with Sam’s siblings and even visited them here.

Frank’s Divorce and Disease

Sam’s father Frank was divorced by his wife in 1911. She had left him years earlier on her doctor’s advice—Frank had contracted syphilis around 1901. In a world without penicillin, it was a slow death sentence. Frank was the son of Phillis Harris otherwise Smith, or Phillis Smith otherwise Harris, depending on which record you read. Her story involves sex too—we’ll get to that.

Phillis and Gustaf: Names and Origins

Frank’s biological father was not his mother’s husband. He was a Finnish miller named Gustaf, employed by Frank’s uncle. Gustaf himself was the illegitimate son of Magdalena Menlos, daughter of a magistrate in Tornio, Lapland. There are no records of Gustaf’s father—some say he was a sailor.

Hannah Smith’s Defiance

Phillis was one of five “natural born children” of Hannah Smith, supposedly by her employer Robert Harris. Hannah was repeatedly called before the Church Council for “immoral behaviour and the begetting of illegitimate children.” She accepted the punishments but never named the fathers. The children were raised in Harris’s home, using the surname Smith, which later became Harris after Robert died.

The naming confusion persisted. The children became known as Smith otherwise Harris—not Smith, not Harris, not Smith-Harris. It was a red flag of illegitimacy waving over the whole generation. I’ve always admired Hannah’s quiet defiance—she coloured outside the lines and didn’t apologise.

Elizabeth’s Timing

Hannah’s mother Elizabeth had her first child in 1800. Widowed in 1819, she managed to produce another child between her husband’s death in April and her second marriage in November 1820. The child bore both surnames—Smith and Harling. Perhaps she was just indecisive.

John Godfrey’s Elopement

John Godfrey, the “paper” father of Frank, had his own scandal. His father, also John, ran away in 1821 with the daughter of his benefactor. They married illegally in London—she used a false name and was only 16. Her parents later allowed a legal marriage, saving their daughter’s reputation and their son-in-law’s neck.

Conclusion

These stories aren’t shameful—they’re human. And without them, none of us would be here. If genealogy is about truth, then we owe it to our ancestors to tell it plainly. If that means dragging a few musty secrets into the sunlight, so be it.